Penis stealing witches and how to counter them

Apparently penis theft was a thing, according to this article.

For those wanting to scare their players, I suggest at least three different spells at different levels.

All these spells were made with Swords & Wizardry in mind because that’s what I’m getting back into, and it also translates well with other retroclones and original editions of DnD.

Also, notwithstanding the theme, I tried making these pretty tame. My games are definitely on the humorous side, so don’t expect edgy descriptions or gruesome effects.

Impotence

Spell level: Magic-User, 1st Level.

Range: 60 feet, doesn’t require line of sight to the target.

Duration: 1d4+1 days

The target is rendered impotent and incapable of maintaining an erection. The caster must know the general location of the target, but does not need to have a line of sight to him.

Notes: I chose this as a first level spell because I’d like to pester characters with it since the early stages, and I try to keep the enemies with reasonable spells, instead of just saying they can do it because of ***Magic***. This helps with the internal coherence of my game world, and the adjucation of the relation between spells such as Extension. All things considered, the idea is having witches and other miscreants cursing people by standing under their windows at night.

Member mirage

Spell level: Magic-User, 2nd Level.

Range: 120 feet.

Duration: 24 hours or until damage is made to the body part.

The target believes his penis has vanished, also losing sense of touch on the area. It may be dispelled with a swift kick to the balls.

Notes: a farewell curse of a dying low-level witch, or imbued within cursed itens, and the ball kicking gag might amuse groups looking for light hearted jokes.

Dongwalker

Spell level: Magic-User, 4th level.

Range: 120 feet.

Duration: permanent

The target’s penis and testicles sprout tiny feet, and painlessly detatch themselves from the host’s body and run away towards the caster, whom they serve and understand simple commands. The little creature fights as an 1 HD creature, although with 1d4 hitpoints. It must be fed regularly, preferring porridge and similar foods. Any character with CHA 14+ may try to convince it to change masters, hence it is usually kept in a cage. If buried, a phallus tree will appear in 1d10 days, bearing “fruit” of all colors and size.

Notes: the most powerful spell in this list, it can have several uses in the hand of a creative caster. Penises may be kept hostage, or destroyed outright. As the separation is painless, targets may wake up devoid of their genitalia. Also, leaving no clear wounds, regenerative spells should not restore the organ. Reattaching the runaway to the host may require complex rituals, or at least a combination of Remove Curse and Neutralize Poison.

Protection from these spells is rare, and highly prized among nobles who desire their bloodline to endure.

Blessed ribbons, holy underwear and intrincate tattoos should grant a bonus saving throw ranging from +1 to +3.

Also, the Holy Undergarments of Iacus renders a target immune to all the spells hereby described. This artifact of fine silk embroidered with silver and gold thread belonged to Iacus, a king with more than 50 heirs, whose kingdom fell to a civil war after his death, due to the many factions disputing the crown.

8 thoughts on “Penis stealing witches and how to counter them

  1. Thank you for these, I needed a laugh today. I also really love the curse removal technique, and the image of somoene’s thingie sitting on his shoulder like a fussy familiar that keeps hopping off onto the table to bury its face in a bowl of oatmeal.

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  2. I had a friend run a Warhammer 1st ed adventure based around this idea…..it would have been more enjoyable if we weren’t constantly resisting attempts at having or dicks stolen. It ended up just being juvenile and annoying.

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      1. Indeed, I think the inclusion of these spells cannot be forced out of the blue, but should be foreshadowed (possibly by having so many other zany things that penis-snatching just doesn’t feel out of place anymore – play on words intended).

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      2. Personally I’d start using it as source of a quest: the king’s junk is missing! We need to ensure he has a heir! And then send them on a useless quest, because the king was actually afflicted with member mirage and nobody had the guts to kick his balls

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